My Story

 19 years ago, I was a little girl who just wanted to play and do everything with my friends and family. I relied on them for most of my childhood days because I felt I couldn't stand alone. I didn't also know who I was at that time. I know that I am my name, but that's it. I don't know what I want to eat or wear. I always asked their opinion about me, and it became my reality. Growing up, I always knew I was ugly because they said you are ugly when you have black skin, so I always have that in my head. Whenever someone told me he had a crush on me, I didn't believe it and thought he was playing to my feelings. One time, I met this handsome guy because he had fair skin. He is popular in our school for that. It would never come to mind that he would approach me and tell me that he had a crush on me. At first, I ignored him because I knew he was playing and had an attitude of a playboy. Whatever he tells or does to me, I will never think of it romantically because I know we are not on a level since he is fair and I am not. He is very persistent in getting my attention, and I see him as a guy who has a crush on me. He always told my friends that I was beautiful and smart. Everybody will have a crush on me, including him. As usual, I ignore it and do my own business. Study and do well in everything because I want to have something that I am good at since I am not beautiful like my classmates with fair skin and beautiful hair. I want to talk to him and ask him if he is serious about me. And I did, but he was not too serious about making a move on me because he just wanted to know me more. That's why I feel right from the start that he is playing with my feeling for being nice. I thought that he was the person who made me feel good about myself, but he was not. I accept it and then let him go. Then after a couple of weeks, he started talking to another girl in our class and did the same thing he did to me. I still like him, but I let go of the feeling that he also likes me. That's why we become strangers again, like in the past until now. I want to approach him when I see him in the town since we live in the same place, but I try not to because I know he is nice but has no feelings for me. I believe that you can't befriend a guy when you are in my religion because it is forbidden to us. I will approach him if he has something for me, like feelings. Now, I think he doesn't have. I have many guys I meet growing up, but I have no one I can say like me because I don't see any sign. I have many crushes, but they stay to it. I want someone on Valentine's Day, but I don't know who is available. I have been looking for the past week, but I haven't found anyone. When someone makes a move to me, I ignore it when I don't like the person, but I am still doing anything to make someone moves toward me. Sometimes I don't understand if I want it or not. A while ago, I was disappointed because they didn't view my stories, but I also didn't view their stories. Sometimes I don't get what I want, but I still do it anyway. I want to rid of this attitude, like my laziness, but I don't know how to get rid of it. It is easier than you can tell yourself but difficult to act. I don't know if it is unusual that I always imagined myself with people I thought had a crush on me. I am always the main character in that imagination, and he is my leading man. I enjoy doing that. I feel that it is real because I know that he has something for me. I am very observant; that's why I know if someone has feelings for me or not. I think that all I have a crush on has feelings for me, also. I crush them because I will not waste my time thinking someone I know doesn't know me. I am tough to be attractive to someone I don't know or a stranger, but I easily fall in love with someone I know and have connections with. All the people I have a crush on are people with whom I can talk, or we have connections. These past days, when I am about to sleep, I tend to imagine my history with him and change it in the positive way that I want. I know that I can't change or go back to the past, but the only thing I can do is imagine my new version of my history with him. I believe that I can't meet him anymore because we are very far from each other. In the back of my mind, I am still hoping that someone will meet him and ask him what he has been doing since the last time we see each other. I also want to ask him if he hates me or likes me as his student. If I had changed, I would tell him my feeling from 2nd year of college until January 30, 2022. I don't know if I can stop imagining him tonight, but I will try to erase him from my life so that I can be free with someone I am destined with. If I want to have a partner in my life, I have to let go of every guy I have a crush on or like. Starting from my childhood crush to my first love. I want to be fair to my true love because I don't want to be in a relationship if I know he also has things to his past. I don't have an actual ex, but all the people I like or crush are more than in the relationship because I know that I always have them on my mind. It is considered cheating, even if it is not physical but only mentally. Starting tonight, I will try not to think of them anymore so I can get it over with and be open to others who can possibly be my future partner. I am very enthusiastic about meeting him in the future or this year. Yesterday, when I was about to sleep, I realized that I always imagined him because I was afraid I did what I did to others. I am safe if he is the one I imagine since I already accept that I can't be with him anymore because he already had someone.