Journal 2018 Entry #6

 October 18, 2018

I hate him, "Val," I realized tonight because I wasted seven years of my life thinking and doing anything that makes me get his attention, but no day does he see me as a woman. He sees me as a dirty worm and always sticks to him. I can't understand my self why I have a crush on him. It's because of the gestures, that bullshit. Oh! Gosh, I hate myself for believing that he liked me because of that. Yes, I am stupid and horrible, crushing him even though he doesn't have the excellent quality of a man I want.

Now, I really erase and forget him that he is part of my life, my pathetic life. Oh! God, please just give me the strength to ignore him because I don't dare to believe myself when it comes to him, you know, and myself that I can't forget him, but I want to just give me a situation that makes me hate him. I imagine he became my boyfriend or husband, so please just give me this. I know that you can do it, your God. This does not give him a bad guy, just in my eyes o? Please, just this one. I hope that you can do it. I didn't expect when or where I would be okay with anything as long the result is making him a bad guy to my eyes. I can't take it anymore thinking of him, and all the years I wasted. I know it is my fault, but I don't want to believe it anymore. Just this one pleases only this. I will not wish for anything more. Thank you in advance. I expect it will happen soon.

Let's go to happy moments. I am pleased and joyful today because I feel that I am beautiful at one time. Yes, this makes me happy because, my whole life, I can't experience hearing the word "beautiful" or saying to me, "You are beautiful" sometimes I accept myself being black, but all the time, I feel insecure about my skin. Why me? Did I do anything wrong that you punished this being much insecurity? They always say that black is beautiful because you are white and fair, but when you are in the situation, you can't say that because it is not valid. All black is ugly. You disrespect others and can't be what you want because you don't have the confidence to do it.

Everyone who told me that I am ugly they don't know that it affects me so much I feel I am dying alive. All of my life, they always say that in my face, and I can't be successful because I am only that. The lowest person in the whole world is why it is a massive deal for me when someone tells me that I am beautiful. I feel that I am the happiest person in the entire world. Today, I think that is why I am very friendly to others and have imagined many things. I feel that I am walking in clouds like I am in love. This is my happiest moment being beautiful in just one day. I know that I can't be just only this day, so October 18, 2018, is my most joyful moment. I can't forget this day; I am ready to die because I feel contented in all years that I am alive. Thank you for giving me this day. I know that you give me this so that I forget all my worries and problem that weighting in 22 years of my life. I am always grateful for being a follower. I promise that I will be a good follower that you can have. I love you, and thank you for all of this. 

That for tonight, I write a lot. I think so goodbye, for now, see you tomorrow. 

Your,

Cathy